Category: MOTYOH

MOTYOH – Mom Of The Year Over Here
No, that’s not a real acronym.
Yes, you can use it because it’s real now because it’s on the Internet.

Billy Madison, the sequel?

~ JB ~ Leave a comment

Once a week, I go to library time for my son’s kindergarten class. The children like to take turns asking me to read a page from a book. This is a French school, so all the books are in French, and the best way to describe how I sound when I read in French is…hmmmm, how do you say…intéressante (interesting). As I read, the children watch me in amazement (or maybe shock and awe). Once I finish a page, these are some of the questions they have asked me in their sweet, little French voices:

-“Est-ce que vous êtes allé à l’école?”-“Did you go to school?”

-“Est-ce que vous parlez français?”
-“Do you speak French?”

-“Quel âge avez-vous?”
-“How old are you?”

One time when I finished a page, the little girl looked up at me with a sympathetic smile and I asked her:

-“C’est un peu bizarre quand je lis en français, oui?”
-“It’s a little bizarre when I read in French, yes?”

And bless her heart, she just raised her eyebrows and shook her head “no” but her face expression definitely said “yes.”

After I check out their books for them, I sit on the carpet with my son’s class while a book is read to us.

Afterwards, he loves for me to walk with him back to their classroom before I leave. So I get in single file line with the class. The school has these cute stickers on the ground for the kids to follow (see below), which of course he wants me to do with him. I do them (and I do them quite well). Sometimes I see older kids look at me in the hallways with that same sympathetic smile, and I point down at the stickers as if to say, “Look how good I am at these things.”

This entire experience makes me feel like Billy Madison, the title character in the classic 1995 comedy movie starring Adam Sandler. I think he should make a sequel where he goes back to school in French. I have lots of material.

On Friday, I go with my daughter’s class, which is scarier because they are first graders. One kid likes to repeat everything I say, which at first gave me a boost because it meant my French was good enough to have a copycat. But when I get annoyed with it, I just switch to English and he stops. Before the end of the year, I want to be brave and read a French book to them so that they can correct all my mispronunciations. See, Mr. Sandler? There’s a scene right there.

Adam Sandler in Billy Madison

The art of sorting Rainbow Looms

~ JB ~ Leave a comment

When your child reaches the Rainbow Loom stage of life and you feel so clever for reusing an old veggie tray to organize them, make sure the lid is always snapped on.

This clean-up has become a regular family affair to the point where if my little boy and I hear my little girl cry out,

Oh no, help! I spilled them!”

we know what awaits us. Even their father has participated, as we didn’t want him to feel left out.

To help pass the time while we sort! hundreds! of! tiny! rubber! bands!, we talk about how there will be a lot of hard things in life and they need to be there to help each other through.

Then we usually discuss the fastest sorting strategy which invariably leads to my little boy dropping colors in the wrong places to try to make his sister’s head pop off. It’s feeling festive around here!

The Kissing Hand

~ JB ~ Leave a comment

A quick disclaimer for those who read The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn – no spoilers but to recap – it’s a lovely story about a Little Racoon (LR) nervous about leaving his Mama Racoon (MR) to go to school, so MR kisses LR’s palm and explains that if LR misses MR, he can touch his kissed palm to his face and feel his mother’s love.

Does he or doesn’t he feel his mother’s love? I won’t spoil it for you, but let me tell you how my version went (and this is where my disclaimer comes in).

It’s best *not* to try this Kissing Hand strategy when a child is already *very upset* about the impending separation because the exchange may very well go something like this:

Child:  Mama, I NEED you.  This doesn’t feel right.  Please don’t goooo.
Mama:  It’s okay, I will be back soon.  Here, give me your hand, and I’ll give you a kiss like the little raccoon.
Child rips hand away and begins flailing their arm as they scream:  I DON’T WANT YOU TO KISS MY HAND.  I WANT YOU TO STAY WITH ME.
Mama:  I understand, but if you just let me kiss your palm—
Quickly grabs child’s hand and kisses palm.
Child:  IT’S NOT WORKING.  I DON’T FEEL ANYTHING.
Tries to kiss palm again.
Child:  STOP KISSING MY HAND.  IT’S NOT REAL THAT I WILL FEEL YOUR LOVE.  
Mama:  It helped the raccoon.
Child:  WELL, I’M NOT A RACCOON.

So, just to recap, it’s best to apply this strategy earlier in the process *before* the child has already started to freak out.

If you confuse your child with a sloth

~ JB ~ Leave a comment

I always check on the children before going to bed – that magical time of night when you peek in on your little ones and watch them sleep for a moment, cover them with the blanket, maybe steal a kiss.  The other night, I was waiting for my eyes to adjust to the darkness as I looked down at my little girl and wondered what was wrong with her face.  I furrowed my brow as I waited for my eyes to adjust (note to self: must eat more carrots for better night vision) and continued to get more freaked out because she looked so weird.  I wondered, “Is she having a bad dream that’s making her face contort?  WHAT IS GOING ON?”  I panicked and quickly reached out to touch her face, which turned out to be very soft because it was her STUFFED SLOTH I was staring at. 

So I am doing fine over here, just fine. I’m sure this happens all the time to other parents.

Hockey Mom Starter Guide

~ JB ~ 2 Comments

10 easy steps

1: Casually look up when hockey starts and what day of the week it is. Easy peasy.

2: Gasp in horror when you see that it’s TWICE a week and then faint from shock when you learn it’s Saturday AND Sunday morning at 7:40 AM. For a 4yo.

3: When you come to, your husband is waiting to go over all the equipment and he’s saying the terms in French so you really start to spiral until you start to write it all down. “What’s the jambieres again? The shin/knee things?” This helps a little until you realize there are 12 items of equipment, plus a bag, you need to track down.

4: Have a little laugh when your husband says “jock strap” for your 4yo and ask, “Do they make them that small?” They do.

5: Have a moment of panic when you ask what the cou/neck guard is for and ask, “Is that to keep his neck warm?” as if he’s curling up with a cup of tea and a good book and then your husband explains, “No, it’s so his neck doesn’t get slashed by a skate.”

6: Between hand-me-downs, Canadian Tire, and five sellers on FB Marketplace, you locate all 12 items of equipment and feel like, at this point, you could probably track down the Holy Grail.

7: Try everything on your 4yo and see his excitement, as he instinctually hits his helmeted head with his hockey-gloved hands. See the happiness flood your husband’s eyes as he says, “Maybe he will really love it.” And when he starts to dream and asks, “Have you ever seen the home movies of Wayne Gretzky playing hockey on a lake near his house when he was 3yo?” you must try to keep a neutral face and simply reply with, “No, can’t say I came across those. Maybe you can show me?”

8: Go to the first practice and observe as your husband puts all the equipment on your 4yo, writing down the order, which should be logical but all you see are 12 pieces of equipment coming out of a bag and it’s. just. a. lot.

9: Watch the first practice, which goes well until he starts to get tired and then he has an itch on his face he can’t reach because of the helmet grill and FREAKS OUT and you’re trying to poke your fingers in the grill to find the itch but he’s moving and FREAKING OUT so much until you find the itch and scratch it! And hockey can resume.

10: The next week it’s your turn to take him to practice (panic in the locker room when you CAN’T FIND YOUR NOTES, HOW WILL YOU DRESS HIM??? oh there they are whew), which also means being the parent on the ice. At this age every kid has a parent on the ice, and you wonder how it came to be that you are skating around with a hockey stick in your hands doing hockey drills.

Good luck! Go get ‘em! Yay hockey!

Equipment order:

– [x] t-shirt/socks

– [x] 1 jock strap – bought FB (note: they have little velcro things you use to attach the hockey socks and hold them up)

– [x] 2 jambieres (shin+knee) – bought FB

– [x] 3 hockey socks – THEY SUPPLY

– [x] 4 culottes (pants) – bought FB

– [x] 5 skates – already own

– [x] 6 plastron (chest+shoulders) – hand-me-down

– [x] 7 coudes (elbow) – bought CT

– [x] 8 cou (neck guard) – bought CT

– [x] 9 hockey jersey – THEY SUPPLY

– [x] 10 casque (helmet) – bought FB

– [x] 11 gants (gloves) – found FB

– [x] 12 hockey stick – hand-me-down

– [x] hockey bag – search house for big bag because I am not buying anything else

Education: Music 101

~ JB ~ Leave a comment

Education is one of the best things about life. There is always something to learn. Once I had kids, I learned (see what I mean?!) that 99.99% of parenting is teaching – how to crawl and then walk, eat healthy and when to splurge, share and in general not be a jerk, say please and thank you, etc., etc., etc.

So I began to develop my own curriculum, which I want to share with you. I am (probably a little too) proud to present my first course.

Course: Music 101

Prerequisite: Be born

Required Materials: Compact Discs (CDs) in a binder + CD player

Optional: CDs do not have to be alphabetized, but if you’re a Virgo like me, you probably can’t help it

The course begins by placing the CD binder in front of the child and asking the child to flip through the pages to choose a CD.

As they flip through, hold up a CD and explain to the child, “This round object is a magical disc that contains music. You see this shiny side? Once you put it in this machine [make a grand gesture towards CD player], the machine has a laser that plays the music that is encoded on the shiny side of the CD.”

If you feel your child is advanced, you can add: “As the disc rotates, the laser beam measures differences in the way light is reflected off the polycarbonate layer on the bottom of the disc, converting it to sound.” (Thank you, http://www.techtarget.com, but also how crazy is it that someone figured that out?)

You can give a brief explanation about album artwork, and if the child doesn’t flip too fast, you can point out your favorites. The child will most likely not inquire on why they are your favorites but you can tell them anyway (unless the child is in the “Why?” stage of life, in which case they will ask you “Why?” so often, you will wish you had never pointed out your favorites).

My little girl was a toddler when she began this course. At that time, if you asked her what her favorite color was she would tell you, “Rainbow!” So it is no surprise that the first CD she chose was Mariah Carey’s album of the same name. We started with the first track “Heartbreaker,” which led to an important conversation about heartbreakers and how to avoid them. It was also a moment for me to shine during Jay-Z’s rap when I remembered all the words, impressing both myself and my daughter.

Now my little boy was much younger, just a baby, when Music 101 came into his life. To my great delight, his chubby little baby hand reached for Aerosmith’s Get a Grip album, and I began to expound on my great love for this band. As we made our way through…

“Eat the Rich”…”Livin’ on the Edge”…”Cryin'”…”Crazy”…”Amazing”

…he seemed to lose focus as I yelled over the music, “CAN YOU BELIEVE ALL OF THESE PHENOMENAL SONGS WERE ON ONE ALBUM?!” Then I realized the only reason my breastfeeding baby picked this CD was because he wanted the nipples.

  • Important Notes:
  • This can be a daily or weekly course.
  • If your CD binder is in alphabetical order, the child will need further guidance to keep it that way.
  • Do not let the child use the CD player, especially if it holds multiple discs. It’s way too much to process and will be covered in a future course. Also, the weird sound it makes when rotating the CDs might scare the baby.
  • At this time, do not mention how CDs can be scratched nor should you show the child a streaming service like Spotify, YouTube Music, Apple Music, etc. They must first develop an appreciation for the magical disc!

Bonus: Hands-on learning experience

Step 1: Zip the binder so that it’s closed for easy transport (like when you were headed to your car back in olden times and wanted your music with you…or current times if you’re like me).

Step 2: Place the binder in front of the child and have the child drag the CD binder a distance of ten feet so that they may appreciate the burden they no longer carry.

  • Important Notes:
  • Child should be able to crawl before trying this hands-on learning experience.
  • My CD binder holds 200 CDs, so my baby boy could not move it. At first I thought he was being a lazy baby, but then I realized it was just too heavy. So find a smaller CD binder, if necessary, or give the baby some slack.
  • Dragging distance should be increased as the child ages.

I have to face the fact that, in some ways, the digital age has brought easier access to music even if it means the downfall of the magical disc. But to really drive the point home, I like to conclude Music 101 with a lecture on what it was like to go buy a CD:

~ feeling the excitement as you drove to Sam Goody, the day of the CD release was especially cool because you might see other fans (and maybe you even pre-ordered your copy so you knew it was safely waiting for you)

~ examining the album artwork (and hoping lyrics would be printed inside)

~ listening to the album in the order the artist intended from start to finish (and choosing early favorites)…you can still do this on a streaming service but it seems like our attention spans have shrunk and we just jump to the next thing too quickly

~ finding a place for it on your CD tower (if alphabetized, then you would need a good 20 minutes to move each CD row by row unless you just bought The Wallflowers, which wouldn’t be so bad)

Unfortunately, missing out on this experience is a burden they will have to carry.

If your child crosses out your name

~ JB ~ Leave a comment

I was tidying the house when I made a startling discovery. My daughter had written her name on her drawing notebook – then she wrote MAMA and PAPA and crossed both of them out.

Look!

First I clutched my pearls.

Then I texted a photo of it to my mom and said, “I’m a little worried that my little girl may be plotting my demise! Her father’s, too! What should I do???”

She replied with, “No, she just means she doesn’t want you to look in it.”

And I said, “Oh. Yes. That makes a lot more sense.”

So if your child crosses your name out on their notebook, consider that they are just asking for privacy and not planning your downfall. Obviously, I can’t open it up to check.

If you dance while driving

~ JB ~ Leave a comment

I was doing some very serious, very fierce dance moves in the car today with my children. I was driving the speed limit but no more as the roads have been snowy, icy, treacherous, etc.

Look at the snow, icy, treacherous, etc. road I was driving on!

For safety’s sake, please note: This photo was taken later in the day when I was sitting in the passenger seat.

There was a car behind me (not pictured), and he was not exactly tailgating but not exactly not tailgating. I was too busy dancing and driving safely to notice (also, unfortunately, not pictured).

As we all know, dancing in the car can be very restricting, so you really have to utilize your best arm moves, which is what I was doing. I can’t remember which song it was, but it inspired me to do a lot of finger-wagging with full arm movement – very dramatic – I hope you can picture it.

Suddenly, the car behind me crossed the solid line to race past me. Vroom!

I only then realized that it’s very likely he interpreted my amazing dance moves as me mocking him, wagging my finger in regards to whether he could pass me or not. Or maybe he thought I was giving him a big “no-no” in response to his tailgating. Because I was not driving so slow as to warrant an illegal passing (trust me, I am a good and fair judge on these matters).

Either way, I wish I could tell him that I was simply dancing with my kids. I may also let it slip that the only thing more dramatic than my dance moves was his car maneuver to get passed me.

So if you also dance while driving, with or without children, and you also have fierce dance moves, watch the arm movements as they may be misinterpreted.

Is that red marker on the floor? Again?!

~ JB ~ Leave a comment

If you make it through the early years of raising children without crayon or marker on your walls or floor, I salut you. It happens to the best of us, but one day, it was a repeat occurrence.

I walked into the kitchen and, to my horror, found red marker on the floor. As I cleaned it up, I reminded my darling children not to color on the floor.

Now that my solid mothering skills were all used up, I walked into the living room to relax only to discover red marker on the living room floor, too. Unbelievable! I thought. Repeat offenders! Not in my house! This time, they cleaned it up but with slightly confused expressions as they tried to tell me they didn’t do it.

A few minutes go by and I head to the kitchen, and I know I don’t even need to tell you, but there was more red marker on the floor. Who is raising these kids that would do this yet again? So I call them into the kitchen for a serious talk only to discover that one of my daughter’s toes is bleeding. So it was blood and not red marker. I am a regular Nancy Drew.

So if your child insists that they did not color with red marker on the floor, consider the possibility that it might be blood and inspect your child for wounds.